It's summer in The ocean State so my thoughts turn to the shore. I'm working on strategies to improve the whole "beach experience". Don't get me wrong, I love going to the beach,but it can have its pitfalls.
I love our great public beaches. You meet a wonderful cross section of the population. You have young girls with thongs so small they'd make a gynecologist blush.
Private beaches limit membership to only those folks like themselves.I have nothing against affluent accountants and lawyers, I just prefer not spending July 4th surrounded by rich tight asses wearing white socks and sandals.
I vow this summer to wear adequate sunscreen. Past years of indiscretion regarding the sun's power have taken its toll. Some days I've left the beach with a moisture content slightly higher than a potato chip.
Another summer resolution is to stop sucking in my gut when I walk to the snack bar. It only makes me lightheaded and it's extremely difficult to order food while holding my breath. As my wife reminds me,"You're not fooling anybody".
Another tip- when you first arrive at the beach open your cooler and lightly sprinkle your food with sand. This will eliminate the frustration of futilely trying to keep the sandwiches,salad and grapes sand free. Besides, the grit in your teeth when eating is all part of the beach experience.
And don't hide your drink in one of those foam rubber holders. It's none of your neighbors damn business if happy hours starts at ten o'clock. They all know your sipping a cold Bud lite inside the Pepsi foam holder. You're not fooling anybody.
We thought it would be exciting to visit a nudist beach(mid-life crisis item #54).The experience was a naked disaster. Being Catholic I worried that rubbing sunscreen below my navel was, at least, a venial sin. And if your wife applies sunscreen on you,is that considered foreplay?
I didn't know if the nudist beach regulars could tell this was my first time.Snickers and whispers only confirmed my fear that you can always spot the new guy. Also,novices make no trips to the snack bar. Such a journey would require standing up. So I remained seated all day eating my sandy grapes.
But all in all a summer day at Rhody beaches is time well spent. And when you return to work on Monday just tell your co-workers you had a 'nice' weekend. They can tell by your sunburned neck, blistering Bozo nose and chaffed walk (from leftover sand) what kind of weekend you really had. Walk away slowly,Don't forget that sand is even more abrasive than your co-workers.
No comments:
Post a Comment